New Year

It’s day 3 of 2024 and I am feeling the same undertow, heaviness, that has been with me since the middle of last year. 2023, was in a nutshell, bat-shit crazy. A miscarriage, the death of one of my dearest childhood friends (more like a brother), amenorreah, suicidal ideation, the stripping away the layers of my marraige, my Husbands job loss making me the breadwinner for our family, the distance between my 2 year old daughter becoming further and further with me working more and more, depression, panic attacks, anxiety and more death.

My only way to sanity was to nurture my connection to nature. I micro dosed, utilizing the Staments Protocol for two separate 3 month stints. It helped tremendously. I felt as if my life was operating in fast forward, then almost like the Matrix, during the protocol, everything went in slo-motion. There was a space between the world and my reaction, where I paused and made a different choice. I camped nearly 15 times over the year: feeling wet earth in between my toes and inhaling fresh mountain air, discharging the stale energy that seemed to encapsulate my body. I stopped attention seeking behaviors and started to seek out a relationship with all of the parts of me that I had abandoned, as I had been abandoned. Building a loving bridge of acceptance to the parts of me that are depressed, enraged, anxiety ridden and lonely….it has made me feel less alone. In the company of these beautiful parts that helped me survive, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am still here. I am still here. Embraced. Held together, like a patchwork quilt, each stitch and piece of fabric significant. Whole.